1. The one who had the affair will have to take responsibility for his/her actions. Not making excuses and not blaming the spouse or the 3rd party. They will have to make a sincere apology.

2. The one who had the affair will need to listen to the impact the affair had on the spouse. They will have to hear the hurt and pain they caused. This is difficult and many will not want to hear this and will try to avoid it.

3. The spouse will need to talk and talk about the impact of the affair. We call this “processing the emotional distress” caused by the affair. They will need to describe the hurt and pain they feel over and over until they feel they have gotten it all out.

4. The one who had the affair will have to do what is necessary to regain the trust of the spouse. Trust is regained by congruence (when what a person says and what a person does consistently match). For example: Letting the spouse know where they are and the time they will be back; calling frequently to reassure the spouse; turning over phone records, etc.

5. The couple will have to gain new skills to rebuild the marriage. If they fall back into old patterns, the marriage may be jeopardized.

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